Quotes are attributed wherever possible. Those marked with * are ones I know I didn't make up.

A is A, except when it stops being A, or it's only kinda A, or it's also not A.

The abandoned infant's cry is rage, not fear--Robert Anton Wilson

Abbots are not kept in an abbatoir. *

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends--Herbert Hoover

Abstractness, sometimes hurled as a reproach at mathematics, is its chief glory--Eric Temple Bell

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science--Gary Zukav

An actor is a geek who gets $100,000 per chicken head--Marlon Brando

The Adept's joy is to serve. *

Adventures: nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner--Bilbo Baggins

After behaviorists have sex, they say, "It was good for you, how was it for me?"--David Lodge

After escaping the clutches of that crazy cult, it was going to take more money than that to start a new life, but still, for one day's work, 30 pieces of silver wasn't bad--Lawrence Person, in the Bulwer-Lytton contest

Aldous Huxley is the stupid person's idea of the clever person--Elizabeth Bowen

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling--Oscar Wilde

All governments bugger the citizens, but liberals use lube.

All interesting actions are overdetermined.

All men would be cowards if they durst--Lord Rochester

All sorts of people get married in America who in Western Europe wouldn't, and probably shouldn't--movie stars and drunken poets and Newt Gingrich and people who put naked pictures of their mates up on the Internet and people doing life in prison--Katha Pollitt

All things are artificial, for Nature is the art of God--Sir Thomas Browne

Allan Funt Lets President in on Hilarious "Cuban Missile Crisis" Prank--Onion

America is a melting pot: Those at the bottom get burned, while all the scum floats to the top. *

America must move forward with the atom bomb in one hand and the Cross in the other--Senator Edward Martin (R-Pa., 1948)

The American love of superlatives is so excusable when applied to one's self--Edith Wharton

Americans are the only people on earth who forget history in preference to lying about it--Graydon Saunders

Anais Nin: Unsuccessful fictions called novels and successful fictions called diaries.

And what is the purpose of being really intelligent if not to have the substance of what you want without mistaking it for the shadow?--Robert Sheckley

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--Stephen Fry

Animals wanting to evolve into gods should first become machines.

Anne Rice's idea that fiction should be more interesting than real life.

Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend--Ann Coulter

The anti-downloading thing reminds me of that good old sexual warning, "If he gets free milk, he'll never buy the cow." Makes as much sense here.

An artist should be willing to rob his mother: The Ode on a Grecian Urn is worth any number of old ladies--William Faulkner

Are Hamlet's critics mad, or just pretending to be mad?--Oscar Wilde

Are prisons the only public welfare program where the government spends more money providing for the recipients than making sure that only the truly deserving receive it?--Kevin J. Maroney

The Army is like a joint: the more you suck, the higher you get. *

Art ennobles the human spirit, and presents us with a vision of ourselves as something higher than nature and apart from it--Roger Scruton

As the Pythagoreans would have it, irrationality is the square root of all evil. *

As you thrust your massive LASFAPA OEship into the quivering honeypot of fannish history, one can but gasp at the job well done--Ed Buchman to Marty Cantor

Attacking your own customers because they want to learn more about your products is a bizarre business strategy, one the music industry cannot afford to continue--Janis Ian

an attractive female sex therapist who said vaginal orgasm was right up her alley--Roy Blount jr.

At high enough prices, you're paying to eat the menu.

Autobiography. Apparently one should not name the names of those one has been to bed with, or give explicit figures on the amount of money one has earned, those being the two data most eagerly sought by readers; all the rest is legitimate to reveal--Robert Silverberg

The average American is like the child in the family--Richard Nixon

The Ayn Rand ice cream parlor: There are two flavors, vanilla and creosote with carpet tacks, and it's immoral not to take vanilla. *

Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind--Wolcott Gibbs, on Time prose

Bad teaching confounds good with immobility, and evil with activity--Maria Montessori

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?--Steven Wright

Bavarian Light & Power: Illuminating the World. *

Be creative: invent a new perversion. *

Be excellent to each other--Bill & Ted

Before I got glasses, I thought Monet was the world's only realist landscape painter--Jo Walton

Before I joined fandom, I was short, fat, and ugly; when I got into fandom, I discovered I was space-efficient, cuddly, and interesting-looking--Cicatrice

Behaviorism is like insisting that the surface is the pond and the ripples are the fish--Kristopher

Behaviorism works, but so does torture--W.H. Auden

Behind every great fortune there is a crime--Honoré de Balzac (via Mario Puzo)

Behold, I come quickly--Jesus (Revelation 22:12)

Being a model means wearing clothes and not eating. I'd rather eat and not wear clothes. *

Being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned--Samuel Johnson

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting--Karl Wallenda

Being paid to make up stories is like being paid to pick your nose--Wilfrid Sheed

Belief in external “obscenity” is the modern form of the witchcraft delusion--Robert Anton Wilson

Ben Franklin had so many illegitimate children they called him "Old Lightning Rod"--Max Shulman

Besides being one of our top models, she could be most useful to our government--Stupid Movie Lines

Big guy in a bulletproof dog suit--I know a serial killer when I see one--Stupid Movie Lines

Bill Buckley is the only person in the world who would use the word solipsistic while calling his dog *

Bill Dickey learned me all his experience--Yogi Berra

Billie's own well-developed clitoris “pouts” through her labia major in a manner which, in the real world, usually belongs only to the female orangutan--Angela Carter on a Judith Krantz novel

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out--George Carlin

A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God *

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles--alleged medical report

Body language usually is as comprehensible to me as farting and tapdancing, while my body emits random utterances that I cannot perceive but will be held responsible for.

Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time, is the most faggy Goddamned thing in the world--Richard Nixon

A book is a mirror. When a monkey looks in, no philosopher looks out--Georg Lichtenberg

The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print--Mark Twain

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content--Paul Valéry

“Borderline personality” is psychiatric slipstream.

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company--Gian Vincenzo Gravina

Bread that must be sliced with an ax is too wholesome--Fran Lebowitz

Britain is the only country where the food is more dangerous than the sex--Jackie Mason

Buckle Up: It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car *

Buffalo has abolished paranoia: Whatever you fear will happen to you if you stay there long enough--Edgar Z. Friedenberg

Bush has it backwards: Abortion is surgical; bombing is murder *

Bush's ownership society is libertarianism without the good parts.

By 2000 we were supposed to have computers bright enough to argue with us, but that doesn't mean the way Word does it--Jo Walton

By Love Possessed enriched my vocabulary, or more precisely, added to it--Dwight Macdonald

California proctology: assholistic medicine

Cannibals don't like to eat clowns because they taste funny. *

Catching a fly ball is a pleasure; knowing what to do with it is a business--Tommy Henrich

Cats would rule the world if they had longer attention spans.

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly--alleged Batman Costume warning label

Cell phones don't stink, but farts don't play silly little tunes.

Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first 10 minutes (3 grimaces and 2 intonations) so that he has nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, 4 hours later, and has to react to the Crucifixion. (He does make it clear, I must admit, that he quite disapproves of it.)–Dwight Macdonald

Chastity may not be the weirdest or nastiest perversion, but it's the least fun to watch.

Chess, like the human brain, is partly reptilian--Martin Amis

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five--Groucho Marx

A child who does not resist invasive or noxious procedures is sick--Emergency Room Aphorisms

The child is a small psychotic with a good prognosis. *

Children are not ordered to step on alternate paving stones--GK Chesterton

The Chinese were allegedly civilized for 7000 years without inventing the fork--Redd Boggs

Christopher Robin Hood: He steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh *

The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully--Russian proverb

Circular Definition: see Circular Definition. *

Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage's whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men--Ayn Rand

A civilized society would have an obscene word for one who doesn't give oral sex.

Clarence Thomas thinks Judicial Restraint means tying up his law clerk. *

Clichés are the armature of the absolute--Anthony Powell, quoting Alfred Jarry

Coincidence: a connection we don't understand.

Colin Wilson's utter lack of fear of discussing at length things he has not one fucking clue about

Collectivists know the value of everything and the price of nothing.

Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job--James Joyce

Come over here right away. I had a dream about you, and I want to go over it with you--Edmund Wilson

the comfortably padded lunatic asylums known, euphemistically, as stately homes of England--Virginia Woolf

Compassion is not a cake to be hoarded meagerly and doled out to today's most deserving--Farah Mendlesohn

Competition brings out the best in products, and the worst in people--David Sarnoff

Computers rarely make subtle mistakes.

Computers run on smoke. If it leaks out, they don't work *

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. *

Confidence: being mistaken at the top of one's lungs--Ambrose Bierce

Conrad Dobler would be all-pro if he played all his games under a full moon--Alex Hawkins

Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually--Abba Eban

Conservatives should learn the difference between a sin and a crime, and liberals should learn the difference between a virtue and a requirement. *

The continuation of being around the cycle of recurrence is the aim of nature. The transformation of being away from repetition is the aim of a higher type of man. Unfortunately for man, nature has the upper hand--P.D. Ouspensky

The convicts of poetic justice make poetic license plates. *

Cool Papa Bell was so fast he could turn out the light and get in bed before it was dark--Satchel Paige

A corporation will do things too dumb for an individual; a government will do things too dumb for a corporation. The larger and older a corporation gets, the more it resembles a government.

Creativeness is finding patterns where none exist--Thomas M. Disch

Critical Theory is stories about stories about stories.

A critic is like the eunuch in a harem: He sees it done, he knows how to do it, but he can't do it. *

Criticizing a political satirist for being unfair is like criticizing a nose guard for being physical--GB Trudeau

the crude haste to see the finished product that marks amateur pornography--Thomas Pynchon

A cult is a religion small enough to pick on. A sect is a cult with libel lawyers.

The cumulative effect of all these crowd shots at the Metrodome is that you understand how Ventura got elected--Dennis Miller

Curiosity killed Schrödinger's cat, or not, as the case may be.

The current situation is so bad that Jeremy Rifkin can sound sane for paragraphs at a time.

A curse for someone you REALLY don't like: May you have many learning experiences and not learn from them.

Cutting the explicit parts out of X-rated movies is the sin of Onan.

Dahmer's Chop House, where an arm and a leg don't cost an arm and a leg *

Dakinis and coyotes embody the purposefully chaotic elements in our environment and give them form. *

Dear Madam, Thank-you for your recent letter informing us that one of our cast members is a homosexual. We have found out who it is, and we have killed him--Eric Idle & Graham Chapman

Death is an illusion. Life is a hallucination. Taxes are objective reality. *

Depending on the kindness of strangers may not be as bad as depending on the competence of strangers.

Depression is anger without enthusiasm--Steven Wright

Desperately accustomed as I am to public speaking--Noel Coward

The Devil made me do it the first time. The second time I done it on my own--Billy Joe Shaver

Did you hear about the terrible fate of the homeopathist? He drank a glass of distilled water and died of an overdose of everything.

Did you hear that George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him. *

Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? *

The difference between children's books and adult books is the semicolon--Kristoffer Leandore.

Discretion is not the better part of biography--Lytton Strachey

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse *

DNA: National Dyslexics Association *

Do not despair; one thief was saved. Do not presume; one thief was damned--St. Augustine

Do other dogs think poodles belong to a weird religious cult?--Rita Rudner

Do they have reserved parking for nonhandicapped people at the Special Olympics? *

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you will make of their circumstances the litter you have made of your own--Charles Fort

Do you know what it's like to have a friend?…That wasn't supposed to be a stumper--Buffy

Does knowing Dreiser's intimate biographical details make his writing any the less clumsy?--William Gaddis

Dog owners are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves--August Strindberg

the dog's philosophy: If you can't eat it, play with it, or fuck it, piss on it. *

Don King is not the problem with boxing. A legal blow to the head is--Frank Deford

Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut--Daniel S. Greenberg

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something--last words of Pancho Villa

Don't let Them immanentize the eschaton. *

Don't look back; something might be gaining on you--Satchel Paige

Don't people read fiction anymore? Don't they think of language and metaphor as an amazing gift we are given free at birth? It is as though many people read only to find that which is offensive, a vast umbrage army, unconcerned with context, templates already prepared in their computers--Jon Carroll

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it. *

Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines--Satchel Paige

Don't tell my mother I'm in advertising. She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse. *

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. *

Dr. Mary Jane Sherfey reported that women could keep having orgasms indefinitely, but somehow found the time to write a book saying so.

Dr. Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off--Frasier

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives--Dr. Charles Fisher

Dualism is the opposite of all that is good and true.

the dumb upwelling fecundity on which all farming rests--Hugh Kenner

Dylan Thomas was a Welsh demagogic masturbator who failed to pay his bills--Robert Graves

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day--The Church of the Toad

The editor is the author's ally, but she is also the reader's first line of defense--Shoshanna Green

Edmund Bergler was the Savonarola of the Freudian creed

The Egyptians were teaching philosophy and astrology and mathematics long before Socrates and those Greek homos--Al Sharpton

Emo Phillips and Joe Cocker were born to be radio performers.

Empiricism is a game; its central rule forbids you to understand what you are talking about--Hugh Kenner

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. *

Ephedra was removed from the category of Natural Health Products when it was found to work.

ET : I hadn't cried so hard since 'Lad, a Dog.' Then I realized: It *was* 'Lad, a Dog.'--Bernadette Bosky

Eternal vigilance is the opposite of liberty.

Eulogy: Praise of one who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead--Ambrose Bierce

Even in civilized humanity one can perceive faint traces of a monogamous instinct--Bertrand Russell

Even the best [computer] programs couldn't manage unstructured conversation for even moderate periods. (me neither)

Every agnostic supposes he is the first--Hugh Kenner

Every conservative worships a dead radical. *

Every culture ferments something. *

Every geek thinks the circus couldn't run without him--Donald E. Westlake

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron--Dwight D. Eisenhower

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right--Schopenhauer

Every organization appears to be headed by secret agents of its opponents--Robert Conquest

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty *

Everyone is interesting deep down inside and everyone is good deep down inside, but we are given a finite time to dig

Everyone shits; only Zola writes about it--Paul Gauguin

Everything is more complicated than it looks, and biology is more like everything than anything else is--Nancy Lebovitz

Excessive punctuation commaflages the ideas until the reader is commatose. *

Excrement, incestuous person. I require my copulating currency, incestuous person--Spike Lee, as translated into Clean by Robert Anton Wilson

Excuse me while I slash my wrists; they always told me there'd be days like this--Mose Allison

Execution stops a beating heart. *

Expressing anger is a form of public littering--Willard Gaylin

Faith means not wanting to know what's true--Nietzsche

The Falklands War was two bald men fighting over a comb--Jorge Luis Borges

Falsehood is invariably the child of fear in one form or another--Aleister Crowley

Fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable it must be changed every six months--Oscar Wilde

Father Time has long and cruelly sodomized me with the splintered haft of his great scythe--T. Herman Zweibel

Father warned me about whiskey and men, but no one warned me about cocaine and women--Tallulah Bankhead

Final proof of God's omnipotence: He need not exist in order to save us--Peter De Vries

Finally, I am becoming stupider no more--Paul Erdos's epitaph

The First Amendment reads more like a dream than a law, and no other nation, so far as I know, has been crazy enough to include such a dream among its fundamental legal documents--Kurt Vonnegut

The first secret of getting what you want is knowing what you want.

First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs *

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment of Baseball Excitement--Onion

The floggings will continue until morale improves. *

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers. *

For a purely untrustworthy human organ, the memory is right in there with the penis--PJ O'Rourke

For Christ's sake, stick it up your ass--T.S. Eliot

For I am every dead thing in whom love wrought new alchemy--John Donne

For I bless God in the libraries of the learned and for all the booksellers in the world--Christopher Smart

Foreign aid: the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. *

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee / And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me--Robert Frost

France is a nation ruled by alcohol, syphilis, and journalism--Benito Mussolini

Frank Sinatra saved my life once. Four guys were beating me up in an alley, and then Frank said, "That's enough."--Buddy Hackett

The Friars' Club is like a gay bar without the cute guys--Joy Behar

Fuck you, you Jew son of a bitch. Go home, motherfucker--Richard J. Daley, 1968 Democratic Convention

Fucking is a form of anxiety reduction–Martin Luther King Jr.

Gay Zionism: Sodom for the Sodomites *

The general consensus is that white people don't like to read about black people, black women don't like to read about black men, and black men don't read--Walter Mosley

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance--Robert R. Coveyou

Genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals to discovery--James Joyce

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped--Elbert Hubbard

The genius was not in the poetry, but in the reasons the poetry should be considered admirable--Jorge Luis Borges

Genre has no use at all as a value category and should never be used as such--Ursula K. Le Guin

Gertrude Stein's prose is a cold suet roll of fabulously reptilian length--Wyndham Lewis

Getting people horny *is* redeeming social importance--Paul Krassner

Giving me a new idea is like giving an idiot a gun. Thank you anyway, bang bang--Philip K. Dick

God has problems, too: Everything He makes dies--George Carlin

God is a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh--Voltaire

God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him. *

Good design is clear thinking made visible--Edward Tufte

The good ended happily, and the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means--Oscar Wilde

A good hard-sf writer gives scientists the idea his writing is grammatical--Greg Bear

A good jolly is worth whatever you pay for it--George Ade

Good manners is the art of pretending that one is not superior--Eric Frank Russell

Google is merely the thumb-index of the Necronomicon--John M. Ford

Gore vs. Bush: That's the choice I make on pay-per-view movies--Onion

A government is what a corporation wants to be when it grows up--Don Markstein

The great tragedy of science: the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact--T.H. Huxley

The groundbreaking study on placebos, which has often been cited in news stories, was recently examined, and turned out to be a typed abstract bound to the front of a couple dozen blank sheets of paper--Kip Williams

Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live--Dorothy Parker

A guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo...in Morse code--Emo Phillips

Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday–Onion

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease--Bulwer-Lytton contest

Half the morons yell for filth, and the other half continue to put pants on the piano legs--Edith Wharton

Harold Bloom is fictional on his grandfather Leopold's side.

Hate must make a man productive. Otherwise one might as well love--Karl Kraus

Having been children, we are all post-colonial.

He could fuck up a wet dream--Joseph Wambaugh

He doth like the ape, that the higher he clymbes, the more he shewes his ars--Sir Francis Bacon

He flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions--Stephen Leacock

He has committed every crime that does not require courage--Disraeli on Daniel O'Connell

He is an infidel as a dog is an infidel: He has never thought upon the subject--Samuel Johnson

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it--Joseph Heller

He leaned her over the desk and mentored her till dawn--Christopher Buckley

He makes you feel more danced against than with. *

He owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success--Jim Backus

He rises above the rest of his group like a middle finger protruding from a fist.

He said it was artificial respiration, but now I find I am to have his child--Anthony Burgess

He swept her off her feet, so he had to carry her.

He talks German like my ass chews gum--Kurt Vonnegut

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright--Samuel Butler

He was happily married, but his wife wasn't--Victor Borge

He who carries clubs to a village of scoundrels will be beaten--Gilbert Sorrentino

He who laughs last found a meaning the censors missed. *

He would have ravished her if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him--Henry Fielding

He writes in the fourth person. We still haven't figured out how he does it.

He's a Jekyll and Hyde, but there's some argument over which is which.

He's so homophobic he can't even touch himself. *

He's the kind who'll kiss your ass to your face and spit in your eye behind your back.

Heidegger's political commitment to Hitler was morally and aesthetically preferable to apolitical liberalism--Frederic Jameson

Henry James wrote as if it were a painful duty--Oscar Wilde

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? *

Here lies my wife. All my tears cannot bring her back. Therefore I weep--tombstone

Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel: a Mecca for tourists--David Vine

Heterosexuality is considered such a great and natural good that you have to execute people and put them in prison if they don't practice this glorious act--Gore Vidal

H.H. Munro was a wry swine. *

Hierarchy: a system designed so that those who decide everything do nothing; those who do everything decide nothing. *

High culture is the ability to hear the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger. *

High school, as we all know, is some sort of sick, sadistic punishment of kids by adults seeking vengeance because they can no longer lead the responsibility-free, screwing-around-24/7 lives young people enjoy. What other explanation could there be for those four brutal years of degrading comments, physical abuse, and the belief that you're the only one not having sex?--Michael Moore, Stupid White Men

High tech means breaks down next week; cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon--Bruce Sterling

His family is in the iron & steel business: His mother irons, and his father steals. *

His feeling about himself is a novelty in an age when so few have any religion at all. *

His troops will follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. *

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it--Winston Churchill

Hollywood beaches: Some lie on the sand and look at the stars; some lie on the stars and look at the sand. *

Homosexuals spend 23 hours a day not engaging in homosexuality.

"How are you, Mr. Pound?" "Senile."

How could he fire me? I was his right hand--Joycelyn Elders [Do you believe that?]

How do you make a cat go moo? Ask it, "Does a dog have the Buddha nature?" *

How long does getting thin take, Pooh asked anxiously--A.A. Milne

How many radicals does it take to change a light bulb? If we smash all the ones we have, the People will eventually build a perfect one. *

How many times do I have to flush before you go away? *

How often have I told you to keep that cat from desecrating my graves?--Stupid Movie Lines

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?--Satchel Paige

Howard Cosell would have been a better sports announcer if he hadn't hated athletes so much

However you happen to be, act like you got that way on purpose--Ray Nelson

HTML in e-mail fulfills the noble service of providing crayons to those who believe them indispensable to the communications process--Jim Williams

Hume treated empiricism like a child with an unbreakable toy who used it to break all his others.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific--Lily Tomlin

I am a spirit roaming the night. Thirsty, hungry, seldom stopping to rest. I love my work--David Berkowitz

I am about to, or I am going to, die; either expression is used--last words of Dominique Bouhours, grammarian

I am an atheist, myself. A simple faith, but a great comfort to me, in these last days--Lois McMaster Bujold

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest--A. Whitney Brown

I am interested in the future because I will spend the rest of my life there--Charles Kettering

I am not patient enough to get my endorphins from exercise or BDSM.

I am reminded of an old German proverb: Kill the Jews--Michael O'Donoghue

I am sitting in the smallest room of my house with your review before me. Soon it will be behind me. *

I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation. War is hell--William Tecumseh Sherman

I am what I am, and I don't think Betty Ford takes vampires *

I believe that solipsism is the proper philosophy, but that is just one man's opinion--Raymond Smullyan

I browse in occult bookshops if for no other reason than to refresh my commitment to science--Heinz Pagels

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again--Steven Wright

I can kill five guys and have them buried in the time it takes Sam Peckinpah to kill one--Howard Hawks

I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair--Gore Vidal

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better--A. J. Liebling

I cannot tell a lie--well, anyway, I'm not very good at it.

I caught my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"--Emo Phillips

I deeply resent the way this administration makes me feel like a nutbar conspiracy theorist--Teresa Nielsen Hayden

I despised Star Wars long before Jar Jar.

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables. *

I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it--Mark Twain

I do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly. *

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to. *

I don't care if I'm a lemming; I'm still not going. *

I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it--William Burroughs

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. *

I don't judge political figures by their sex lives. Any scale that puts Richard Nixon way ahead of Martin Luther King is broken.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets my nerves--Joe Louis

I don't want the cheese; I just want to get out of the trap--Spanish proverb

I don't want to harm nature; I just want a safe place to watch it from.

I dote on myself. There is a lot of me and all so luscious--Walt Whitman

I experimented with drugs in the Sixties, and I didn't exhale--Stephen Gaskin

I feast upon the flesh of the living, and I vote. *

I feel bad that I don't feel worse--Michael Frayn

I feel guilty about masturbation because I'm not very good at it--David Steinberg

I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: "The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair." In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.--Bertrand Russell

I get paid for doing what children get punished for--Jerry Lewis

I had a sex problem, but I realized the answer was at my fingertips. I'm not saying I do that a lot, but if I had kids, they'd look like me--Marsha Warfield

I hate him! He hates everything, he hates life--Jack Kerouac on Lenny Bruce

I hate to advocate drugs, violence, or insanity, but they've always worked for me--Hunter Thompson

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me--Noel Coward

I have a secret passion for mercy, but justice is what keeps happening to people--Ross Macdonald

I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one. *

I have animal magnetism: When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes. *

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys--Woody Allen

I have enough money to last the rest of my life unless I buy something--Jackie Mason

I have known more men destroyed by the desire to have wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink and harlots--W. B. Yeats

I have much too little confidence in the consistency of the masses' taste to believe that popularity should exclude books from awards for excellence.

I have prayed but one prayer: "Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And it was granted--Voltaire

I have proven Hitler is a nurse with particularly evil-smelling testicles and foreskin--Salvador Dali

I have the ancestral guilt of a Faulkner character, but about progressive education.

I have written it for the most part in a style of scrupulous meanness--James Joyce

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law--David Dinkins

I haven't had many vicarious experiences, but I've heard a lot about them

I hope with all my heart there will be painting in heaven--Jean-Baptiste Corot

I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it--Calvin, to Hobbes

I imagine there are people who think Jurassic Park is real and the moon landing was faked.

I keep getting the banana rejection slip: This banana is the worst orange I've ever seen: wrong shape, wrong color--Eleanor Arnason

I know cocks, and all the Kennedys together didn't have one good one--Truman Capote

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much--Mother Teresa

I know the captain is behind us; I've felt him there many times--Joseph Wambaugh

I like her, but I'm sure that she could imitate a manipulative bitch if she really had to.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me--Fred Allen

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals--Winston Churchill

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car, I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."--Steven Wright

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known--Walt Disney

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks--Emo Phillips

I married beneath me. All women do--Nancy Astor

I must lodge a protest against the increasing flood of obscenity in my dreams--Kenneth Tynan

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? *

I never knew an auto-parts maker who left instructions that after he died, all his auto parts should be destroyed. *

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed--Wilson Mizner

I never thought I would make the grade. And let's face it: I haven't--George Sanders

I never understood why anyone agreed to go on being a rustic after about 1400--Kingsley Amis

I owe everything to exercise. It killed my husband. *

I recall once saying that when I had given the same lecture several times I couldn't help feeling that they really ought to know it by now--J.E. Littlewood

I see that you have brought a gun to an intellectual knife fight, but you're not even successfully squirting anyone.

I shake my tits a lot. If you don't want to listen, you can just watch--Bette Midler

I should like to thank you: grammatical correctness as ambiguity.

I should never have fooled with Lorena, he said disjointedly *

I simply want to be rich enough to be able to hold money in the contempt it deserves. *

I still miss my man, but my aim is getting better--Sara Shenkman

I think it makes people very uncomfortable to be reminded that we are the augmentation of dust--Graydon Saunders

I think of writing a book, moulded on Malinowski, called The Sexual Life of the English. It would be a remarkable book, but would no doubt have to be published in New Guinea--Lytton Strachey

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful, and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic, and a progressive religious experience--Shelley Winters

I too sometimes wonder about people who dance when neither drunk nor being shot at. *

I tried witchcraft; I tried spacecraft; I tried Lovecraft. You can't say I didn't try--William Browning Spencer

I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the body, 'til I realized, yeah, look what's telling me that--Emo Phillips

I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance. *

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. *

I was hired when television was desperate enough to scrape the top of the barrel--Gore Vidal

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients--Oscar Levant

I was ruined only twice: once when I lost a lawsuit and once when I won one--Voltaire

I was sitting in the lap of luxury, and then luxury stood up. *

I was so shocked by her table manners I dropped a whole handful of mashed potatoes. *

I was so unpopular in prep school that I had to teach myself how to masturbate.

I was told to respect my elders, and by now I'm getting to the point where I don't have to respect anyone--George Burns at 100

I went on a diet and swore off drinking, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks--Joe E. Lewis

I wish all consumers were as gullible as advertising's biggest critics. Anyone who believes advertising is that powerful will believe almost anything--Jef I. Richards

I wish I could change my sex as I change my shirt--Andre Breton

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else--Lily Tomlin

I would believe the bread and wine were changed to an elephant if the church said so--Hilaire Belloc

I write as a sow piddles--Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose--Steven Wright

I'd rather entrust my psyche to a good astrologer than a bad Freudian

I'll carry a beeper when they put one in my cold, dead fingers. *

I'm a hallucinogenic toad: Lick me all over. *

I'm a patriot. I love my decadent, cosmopolitan, self-indulgent, racially mixed, godless, intellectually dilettante, drug-abusing, promiscuous, queer-loving country. And its flag is the Stars and Stripes--Patrick Nielsen Hayden

I'm a person trapped inside a woman's body--Elaine Boosler

I'm about to reach breaking point, he snapped--Adrian Henri

I'm always amazed at the American practice of allowing one party to a homosexual act to remain passive -- it's so undemocratic. Sex must be mutual–WH Auden

I'm dying, he croaked. *

I'm going to listen to this with an open mind, even though I know it's a bunch of shit. *

I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before--Steven Wright

I'm Jewish on my mother's side, like Jesus.

I'm not a good girl, she whispered tartly. *

I'm not so mean. I wouldn't ever go out to hurt anybody deliberately--unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something--Dick Butkus

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. *

I'm probably the only guy who worked for [Casey] Stengel before and after he was a genius–Warren Spahn

I'm proposing a sweeping new federal relocation program for undesirable wildlife. For instance, I'd like to release poodles back into the wild–Uncle Duke

I'm so happy you found a way out of this business--Marilyn Monroe to Grace Kelly

I'm sure we can resolve this in a mature way. Right, Mr. Poopypants?-- aked Gun

I'm tempted to say into a microphone that I feel I won tonight because I don't believe in God--Jim Bouton

I'm with you on the free press. It's the newspapers I can't stand--Tom Stoppard

I've heard about vicarious experiences, but I haven't had many

I've never forgiven him for the way I behaved.

Idi Amin Praises Former Ugandan Defense Minister as "Delicious"--Onion

If a Jew dares to speak the name of God, notify the authorities or else throw pig shit at him--Martin Luther

If a man got PMS, it would never end, and I think I know some guys who have it.

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly--Chesterton

If a train station is where a train stops, what's a work station? *

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base--Dave Barry

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?--Theodore Sturgeon

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. *

If belief is a crutch, what sort of person wants to kick it out from under people? *

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. *

If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune; if someone pulled him out, it would be a calamity--Benjamin Disraeli

If God had been a liberal, we'd have had the 10 Suggestions--Malcolm Bradbury

If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win arguments? *

If he had an Italian last name, they would've electrocuted him--John Gotti on President Clinton.

If Hitler were to invade Hell, I would make a favorable reference to the devil--Winston Churchill

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again--Jerry Venables

If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made--Dolly Parton

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself--Mickey Mantle

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would live in Hell and rent out Texas--Philip Sheridan

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews--Bill Hicks

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat--Jenny Dailey-O'Cain

If I were any more lactose intolerant, it would be a Civil Rights rap.

If in the end I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders--Harold Abelson

If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in Braille. *

If it's any of your business, it isn't really gossip. *

If it's not on fire, it's a software problem. *

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, “Do you want fries with that?”--John Cleese

If Milli Vanilli fall down in the woods, does someone else make a sound? *

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? *

If Ouspensky is right, the universe is a duller place than most of us suspected--Christopher Evans

If people don't want to come to the games, nobody's going to stop them--Yogi Berra

If sportswriters were any good at what they did, they'd be novelists--George O'Leary

If Tab Hunter was an actor, it was a secret known only to him--Jack Warner

If that's the way Her Majesty treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any--Oscar Wilde

If the authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, do not have sex with the authorities--Matt Groening

If the English had deep-dish pizza they could have kept their empire--Daniel Pinkwater

If the student seems to need help, seem to help him. *

If there is no God, blasphemy is stupid and unnecessary, and if there is one, it's dangerous--Flann O'Brien

If they enforced the sex laws, they'd have to freeze me to give me any hope of paying my debt to society.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee--Abraham Lincoln

If this is tourist season, what's the bag limit? *

If walking were taught in school, we'd be a nation of cripples.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, he's practically invulnerable. *

If women ran the world, there'd be no more wars. We'd just tease each other until everyone developed eating disorders. *

If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes--Ancient sled dog proverb *

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have a career as a guillotine operator. *

If you can't trust a woman with a choice, how can you trust her with a baby? *

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? *

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? *

If you have a squeaking codpiece, you had better have a really big sword--Dave Barry

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you--Don Marquis

If you people wouldn't have drunk it, I wouldn't have bootlegged it--Moe Dalitz

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. *

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out. *

If you think Education is expensive, try Ignorance. *

If you want something for nothing, go jerk off--Bob Weir

If your own vice is the search for virtue, recognize it--Idries Shah

If you're not playing a big enough game, you'll screw up the game you're playing just to have something to do. *

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow--Marine saying

Imagination and memory are the two best marital aids.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin--Adolf Hitler

Imitation is the sincerest form of television--Fred Allen

In a room full of crackers, I might cut the cheese--Wu-Tang Clan

In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. *

In assembly-kit tests, Reagan's face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection--J.G. Ballard

In Borges's work the only thing that happens outside the library is knife fights--Angela Carter

In childhood, the two most rhythmic things were poetry and spanking--Eve Kossofsky Sedgwick

In loyalty to their kind, they cannot tolerate our minds; in loyalty to our minds, we cannot tolerate their obstructions--John Wyndham

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But since there's no real market for masturbation, I had to fall back on my bass-playing abilities--Les Claypool

In New York, if you fall down, they pick you up by your wallet--Al McGuire

In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to figure out what it could be true of --George A. Miller.

In organized religion the actual presence of a god is an embarrassment--Robert Bloch

In the long run, we are all dead--John Maynard Keynes

In this business you either sink or swim or you don't--David Smith

the inability of American intelligence agencies to wait for radical groups to fuck up on their own.

Independent-Minded Cat Shits Outside The Box--Onion

Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself--William Dean Howells

Insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results--Narcotics Anonymous slogan

Intelligence is like candy. It comes in an endless variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, no one of which is less delectable than the others--Eric Frank Russell

Intellectual freedom, like sexual freedom, includes the right to say no.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex--Aldous Huxley

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried--Irish proverb

Is all the comedy on TV causing comedy in the streets?--Dick Cavett

Is Calvin a stuffed boy when there are other tigers around? *

Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?--Mae West

It is easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world *

It is foolish to dislike change; it is like disliking oxygen--Jon Carroll

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man--sign in Bangkok temple

It is in games that many men discover their paradise--Robert Lynd

It is never worth a first-class man's time to express a majority opinion--G.H. Hardy

It is no secret that is known to three--Irish proverb

It is not certain that everything is uncertain--Blaise Pascal

It is one of our follies that, whatever we say, we don't in reality regard women as suitable for scientific careers. We thus neatly divide our pool of potential talent by two--CP Snow

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes--Sir Thomas Beecham

It is the first duty of the artist to survive: Sometimes genius is 90% respiration.

It is too difficult and dangerous to distort the truth if one does not know what it is--Edgar Z. Friedenberg

It isn't pretty being easy. *

It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the pope--Pope John XXIII

It rains on the Just and the Unjust alike, but the Unjust have stolen the Just's umbrella. *

It seems as obvious to me as things always do to fanatics.

It takes a genius to whine appealingly--F. Scott Fitzgerald

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap--Dolly Parton

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous--Robert Benchley

It was a curious existence one had in the dreams of others--Iris Murdoch

It was as though a deed of conveyance of her narrow loins had been drawn and sealed--Evelyn Waugh, in erotic mode

It's a condescending thing; you wouldn't understand. *

It's a phallic symbol, and I'd hate to tell you what it looks like. *

It's always helpful to know a few things other than thyself, too–Stef Maruch

It's been fun, and it's been real, but it hasn't been real fun. *

It's hard to be proud of yourself when you're smoking something named after part of your ass. *

It's never good when they mention blood in the inaugural address. *

It's not how you pick your nose; it's where you put the boogers. *

It's not real work unless you would rather be doing something else--James M. Barrie

It's not restful being creative all the damn time--Pamela Dean

James Gould Cozzens was John O'Hara with an unabridged dictionary.

James Jones never learned to write about civilians.

Jane Fonda attempted suicide upon learning that her own body was filled with protons and neutrons *just like those* found in deadly nuclear power plants--NatLamp

The Japanese make the Germans look like Italians--Peter Ustinov

Jehovah has a very limited repertoire of emotional responses, as gods go. He can be righteous; he can be indignant; he can be punitive; he can be benevolent. That's about it--Ram Dass

Jazz critics liked me better when they thought I was black and dead--Steve Allen

Jerry Lewis raises money for spastics while showing they're employable--Mort Sahl

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. *

The Jew party was appalling. I never wish to hear money, jewels, and sables mentioned again--Eleanor Roosevelt

JFK was a better Attis-Adonis-Osiris figure than president.

Joan Collins is a commodity who would sell her own bowel movements--Anthony Newley

Joe Garagiola, like Mark Twain, is from Missouri. The resemblance is strictly residential--Jim Brosnan

Joe McCarthy had little natural talent for the successful fascism he lucked into.

Join the Army. Travel to Exotic, Distant Lands. Meet Exciting, Unusual People. And Kill Them. *

Jorge Luis Borges blinded himself, while still quite a young man, through a combination of autoerotic gratification and the refusal to eat his vegetables--Andrew L. Wilson

Jurassic Park: try not to feed the animals. *

Just because you're on their side doesn't mean they're on your side--Teresa Nielsen Hayden

Just one nuclear family can ruin your whole life. *

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world--Dave Barry

The key to the treasure is the treasure--John Barth

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex--Bill Maher

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?--Homer Simpson

Kill two birds with one stone. Feed the homeless to the hungry. *

Kinbote's Principle: With sufficient ingenuity, any narrative can be found in any other narrative.

Kinnison kissed his wife; and half a million Lensed members were thrust upward in silent salute--Doc Smith (courtesy of Dave Langford)

The Klingon forehead change was mirrored in the little head. (We do not discuss that with strangers.)

Klingons do not make "releases." Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers in its wake. *

Knights try to attract women by competing with other men. Troubadours try to attract women by doing things women like. When troubadours succeed, knights think they're cheating--Nancy Lebovitz

Korzybski and McLuhan were communications geniuses who couldn't communicate.

The language needs a statistical mood.

Later, he was to decide that Andrew's life had been fractally weird. That is, you could take any small piece of it and examine it in detail and it, in and of itself, would turn out to be just as complicated and weird as the whole thing in its entirety--Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread--Anatole France

Lawyer novels drive all the others off the best-seller list: Grisham's Law

Learning to put the toilet seat down makes you look like a warm, sensitive, caring human being. *

Leave Me Alone or I'll Find Someone Who Will--Country song

Lenin paid to art the supreme tribute of fear--George Steiner

The less money you get from government, the more trouble you have getting it.

Let us devote to unselfishness the frenzy we once gave gold and underpants--Vonnegut

Let us eat. Then we will transplant the brain--Stupid Movie Lines

Let us prise off the tinfoil hat of ideology and focus the orbital mind-control beams of reason--Ken MacLeod

"Let's get the corn ready," he husked. "I'll prepare the cheese," she grated.

Let's go to the food court and try some food.

Let us lift Shanghai up, up, ever up, until it is just like Kansas City--Senator Edward Wherry (1939)

Let's ostracize him. You hold him, and I'll do it. *

Liberals don't much like commercial speech because it's commercial; conservatives don't like it because it's speech. *

Life is a game, the first rule of which is that it is not a game--Alan Watts

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk--Cyril Connolly

Life is a Yo-Yo, and humanity ties knots in the string. *

Life is complex: It has real and imaginary parts. *

Life is meaningless because it is not a sign--William Gass

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something-- The Princess Bride

Life offers us many challenges. That's why I'm going to hide behind the couch. Don't tell life--Garfield

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people seem bright until you hear them speak? *

Like a rotting mackerel by moonlight, he shines and stinks--Edmund Randolph

Like Mencken, I really enjoy being disappointed and outraged--Dwight Macdonald

Like the ski resort full of girls hunting for husbands and husbands hunting for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. *

Lillian Hellman had admirable courage, but it would have been seemlier for her to have admired it less herself.

A list of the Hugoes would seem to indicate that Fan Writers are like Vampire Slayers: In each generation there is only one.

Listen, three-eyes, don't try to outweird me. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal--Hitchhiker's Guide

The little engine that philosophized: I think I am! I think I am! *

living off his pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate--Spike Milligan

Living well and ripping your enemy's still-beating heart out of his chest with your bare hands is the best revenge--Michael O'Donoghue

Logic is a tool that does one thing: It guarantees that your conclusions are no worse than your premises.

A lot of people out there still think Easy Rider had a happy ending--PJ O'Rourke

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. *

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy–attributed to St. Francis of Assisi

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come–Matt Groening

Love them all, and let God sort them out.

Love your enemies, return good for evil, tell them the whole truth: Those are the three best ways to drive them nuts.

Love your neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood--Louise Beal

Luck is the residue of design--Branch Rickey

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change. *

Mainstream fiction is the world's largest shared-universe series--Lois McMaster Bujold

Making people laugh is the lowest form of comedy--Michael O'Donoghue

Man, as a social being, cannot escape government any more than the individual can escape bondage to his bowels--Robert A. Heinlein

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain--Lily Tomlin

Many have thought they were Napoleon; only the first (a man named Bonaparte) was allowed to get away with it--James Park Sloan

Many of the people who think they don't like science fiction are right.

The map is not the territory, but you can't fold up the territory and put it in the glove compartment.

The mark of a basic shit is that he has to be right --William S. Burroughs

The Marquis de Sade didn't really find himself until he was in his fifties--Bob Kaufman

Marriage is like a bank account: You put it in; you take it out; you lose interest--Professor Irwin Corey

Martyrdom is the only way to achieve fame without ability--George Bernard Shaw

Marvelous! You're going to kill me. What a finely tuned response to the situation!--Babylon 5

Marx said the purpose of philosophy is to change the world, rather than to understand it, and his followers have spent 150 years changing what they don't understand.

a masochist who gave up tight shoes for Lent--Peter De Vries

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything--Kurt Vonnegut

May the longtime sun shine on you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide your way home--Incredible String Band

Maybe the definition of a hot-button issue is that if you do whatever it is, you think that anyone who questions it is trying to outlaw it, and if you don't, you think that anyone who speaks favorably of it is trying to make it mandatory.

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent always recognizes genius--Sherlock Holmes

The medium is the unethical massage.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate--Dave Barry

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives--Abba Eban

Men do not hate women; men need women. Men hate needing--Jules Feiffer

Mencken was the Sage of Baltimore, which hardly seems like a title worth fighting over.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die--Lenny Bruce

Miami's slogan: Come back! We weren't shooting at you--Dave Barry

Mirrors and copulation are abominable because they increase the number of men--Jorge Luis Borges

The missing link between the apes and civilized humanity is us. *

The modern book review serves as a surrogate for the book--Gregory Feeley

Money cannot buy happiness because happiness is the fulfillment of infantile wishes and money is not the object of infantile wishes--Sigmund Freud

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo--H.G. Wells

Most men regard their life as a poem that women threaten--Alan Bennett on Philip Larkin

Most people appreciate hard work, particularly when they are paying for it--Franklin P. Jones

Most people my age are dead at the present time, and you could look it up--Casey Stengel

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it--George Carlin

The most popular American automobile is the Sport Utility Vehicle. In your country, they are known as “tanks” or “anti-personnel vehicles.”--Modern Humorist

Most shoplifters aren't rich enough to be kleptomaniacs. *

Muggeridge came to regard education as scarcely to be distinguished, in its vileness, from sex--Bernard Levin

Music is the pleasure the human soul experiences from counting without being aware that it is counting--Leibniz

Muslims follow an old-fashioned sexist religion that tells women to cover their faces with veils, instead of makeup.

My assignment is so secret I have no idea what I'm doing. *

My blood sugar is so low I am being pursued by dieting vampires.

My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo. *

My depression is chemical; yours is a figment of your imagination. *

My dog is so cute that the big dogs don't mind when she humps them--Lucy Kemnitzer

My favorite sex fantasy is becoming president, so I can do it to 200,000,000 people at once--Gore Vidal

My girlfriend said I never listen to her, or something*

My grandmother buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping--Rita Rudner

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is--Ellen Degeneres

My life is a reading list--John Irving

My momma told me never to think I was better than anyone else, never to brag, and never to ask for money. So you get into politics and what do you do? Tell people you're better than somebody else, brag about your accomplishments, and ask for money--Mike Easley

My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso--Pablo Picasso

My parents went to Middle-Earth and all they got me was this lousy ring. *

The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador Dali as an old ukulele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts--James Thurber

Nancy Reagan Praised for TV Appearance on Narcotics--actual headline

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are--Gore Vidal

The nation's hoop is broken and scattered. There is no center--Black Elk on the NBA strike

Nature eludes us even as it prepares to swallow us up, books and all--Joyce Carol Oates

Nature's fascist scheme of menstruation and procreation should be defied, as a gross infringement of woman's free will--Camille Paglia

A naughty Jew-boy, pulling a long nose as the world kicks his bottom. I had a little flirt with him--John Maynard Keynes on Albert Einstein

Never attribute to cutting-edge performance art what can be explained by incompetence.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room--Winston Churchill

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river--Cordell Hull

Never invoke anything bigger than your head *

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that. *

Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl--Benjamin Jowett

Never share a foxhole with a hero. *

Never tangle with anything that has more teeth than the Osmond family-- Red Dwarf

Never trust a straight guy who does makeup unless he does the aliens on Star Trek--Margaret Cho

Never, never get stinking drunk on creme de menthe while eating pink cotton candy. Trust me. *

New Drug Offers Hope to Infertile Inner-City Teens--Onion

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. *

Nietzsche could never forgive the Jews for Christianity and Islam. *

Nixon inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them--James Reston

Nixon never once masturbated. That's why he was like that.

Nixon was worse, but Reagan did worse.

No, I was the fookin shadow of the waxwing slain. I just said Kinbote was the shadow of the waxwing slain to be nice.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up--Lily Tomlin

No matter how sick the pope gets, they never take him to Lourdes-- Horseshit Magazine

No one in this world, so far as I know--and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me--has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people--H.L. Mencken [verified quote]

No one really listens to anyone else. Try it for a while and you'll see why--Mignon McLaughlin

No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar--Donald Foster

No person was ever honored for what he received--Calvin Coolidge

No point mentioning the bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough--Hunter Thompson

NO! NO! Don't touch the plot contrivance switch! *

Nobody goes there because it's too crowded--Yogi Berra

Nonsense does not become meaningful if prefaced by the words, "God can."--C.S. Lewis

Norman Mailer donated his ego to the Harvard Medical School--Woody Allen

Not a gentleman. Dresses too well--Bertrand Russell

Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity: It's not just a plea, it's a way of life *

Not to be used for the other use--Japanese product instruction

The notion of having to put on a clown face every day to come across as properly female is scary--Stef Maruch

nouvelle cuisine: artfully arranged insufficient portions of the food third-world people have to eat.

Novelists who go to a psychiatrist are paying for what they should be paid for--Lawrence Sanders

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature--Kin Hubbard

Now I know what Shakespeare felt when he said, "Alone at last!"--Stupid Movie Lines

Now that the Second World is gone, does the Third World move up a notch?--Jon Carroll

Nudist wedding: If it's all the same to you, I'll take the one over there; he really is the best man. *

Obstinacy in a bad cause is but constancy in a good--Sir Thomas Browne

Occam was never the target of a conspiracy. *

Of all the horseshit that was written about me last year, yours was the best--Roger Maris to Roger Kahn

Of course I can keep secrets; it's the people I tell them to who can't. *

Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill--Robert Anton Wilson

Often a man's mouth broke his nose--Irish proverb

OK, I'm aware of the status of my discourse already. Now will you shut up and let me tell a story?

OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric. *

old age: consider the alternative--Maurice Chevalier

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. *

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom--H. L. Mencken

Olive oil is made of olives. Corn oil is made of corn. What about baby oil? *

On the Fourth of July we must wrestle with the question of whether all those simulated aerial bombardments represent the most useful form of nationalism available--Jon Carroll

On the grave of a baby beaten to death by its parents: I WAS A CHILD, NOT A CHOICE

On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog. *

On the night the hogs ate Willie, Mama died when she saw what Daddy did to Sister--summary of typical Southern novel *

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box--Italian proverb

Once they were men. Now they are land crabs--Stupid Movie Lines

One ceases to be a child when one realizes that telling one's troubles does not make it any better--Cesare Pavese

One does not attend this movie; one enlists in it--Murray Kempton

One is happiest marrying one's own kind; but very few know what their own kind is--Robertson Davies

One more drink and I'll be under the host--Dorothy Parker

One of the essential features of the human-sized brain is that we can figure out how to get the most value with the least labor. Any theory that denies this aspect is doomed.

One pill makes you larger; one pill makes you small, and the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all--“White Rabbit”

One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny--Bertrand Russell

one source: plagiarism; many sources: research--Wilson Mizner

One symptom of impending nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important--Bertrand Russell

One type of "Utopian thinking" that arouses anxiety is simply to stop doing something hard and useless--Paul Goodman

One's work is autobiographical in spite of every subterfuge--Wallace Stevens

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. *

The only suitable attitude toward oneself and the world is the awareness of pathetic, slapstick comedy. You go staggering around the big top and they keep hitting you with bladders, stuffing you into funny little cars with eighteen other clowns, pursuing you with ducks--John D. MacDonald, Free Fall in Crimson

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. *

Onomatopia: a social-political system that just sounds good *

The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is have a baby in a stable--Bette Midler

Opera is where a guy is stabbed to death, and instead of bleeding, he sings--Ed Gardner

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid--Heinrich Heine

Oscar Wilde neglected to mention how badly life sometimes imitates art. Inspector Javert was a much more interesting and well-rounded character than Ken Starr.

Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over--George W. Bush, as reported in the Onion

Our nation was founded by slaveowners who wanted to be free--George Carlin

Our nervous systems normally organize the dance of energy into block-like “things”--Robert Anton Wilson

Outlook Express is Microsoft's way of saying, "Pick up the soap."

Pale Fire : nested Klein bottles.

Paranoia is better than no imagination at all.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

The paranoid is never entirely mistaken--Sigmund Freud

Paris: a dirty town with a dirtier ditch calling itself the Seine--Horace Walpole

Part of the American Dream is to live long and die young--Edgar Z. Friedenberg

The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet--Cyril Connolly

Patriotism is the willingness to kill or be killed for trivial reasons--Bertrand Russell

People shouldn't be treated like objects; they're not that valuable--P.J. O'Rourke

People who worship the flag have more trouble with the Bill of Rights, because it has writing on it--Avedon Carol

Perhaps the bad guy who broke up a marriage did so by introducing the wife to the concept of foreplay without blows to the head.

Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!--Bernadette Bosky

A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air--Walter Winchell

The Peter Principle got him when he was born. *

Philadelphia merely seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, NJ--Robert Anton Wilson

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. *

Picking up the cleverly disguised object, Inspector Magritte remarked, Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

A picture had better be worth 1000 words because it takes up more disk space.

Pierre, or the Ambiguities:The big Melville book that doesn't have the whale in it

The pineapple lives in the fish.

Pittsburgh: nature's little practical joke. *

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth--Don Marquis

Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball. *

The plight of Bill Maher reminds me of something Ezra Pound wrote about London in 1919: “A single intelligent remark can destroy a man's entire career”--Robert Anton Wilson

The plot to drive us all crazy began with the killing of Oswald.

Poetry should be elliptical: focused on the writer and the reader.

The policeman isn't there to create disorder; the policeman is there to preserve disorder--Richard J. Daley

Politicians promise to build a bridge where there is no river--Nikita Khrushchev

Politics corrupts; political science corrupts scientifically.

Politics: involvement, generally unwilling, in the lives of strangers

Portrait of nude, bleeding man hung on school wall--Onion

The postal workers still haven't gone on strike. The union notified them by mail. *

Pour hot water on a sportswriter and you get instant horseshit--Ted Williams

Power comes out of the barrel of a canon

Preparation H: If you don't like it, you know what you can do with it--alleged advertising slogan

President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farrah Fawcett Poster--Onion

Pretend to spank me; I'm a pseudo-masochist. *

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light. *

Printing up a zine: Reproduction is the main drawback to two of my favorite activities.

Prisons are built with stones of law, brothels with bricks of religion--William Blake

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. *

The problem with public interest programming is that the public isn't interested--Bernard Peek

Programming is an unholy mixture of mathematics, literary criticism, and folklore. *

Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods. *

The proof of the pudding is in the stomach pump--Bernard Wolfe

The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the article, then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his computer into little bits. Anything more is just extremism--Paul Tomblin, rec.motorcycles.harley

Proust: a hermaphroditic, toadlike creature spooning his own tepid juices over his face and body--Aldous Huxley

Publishing a book is like farting at a party: You have to wait till people stop looking at you before you can start behaving normally again--Philip Larkin

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored--Evelyn Waugh

Puritanism: the fear that someone somewhere is happy--H.L. Mencken

Putting smokers and nonsmokers in the same room is like having a urinating and a nonurinating section in a swimming pool--Ross Parker

Qaddafi wasn't injured in the bombing: It was the camel's night to get on top. *

Quiet good taste is the key: Once I learned to avoid that , I could find a look that worked for me--Mike Lowrey

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet--Damon Runyon

Reality is what doesn't go away when you stop believing in it--Philip K. Dick

The reason Adam ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge was that he didn't know any better--Raymond Smullyan

Rebecca Blood's Politics in a Nutshell:

Libertarian: We don't need rules, we can take care of ourselves.

Conservative: We need rules to help the upper class and control the lower class.

Liberal: We need rules to control the upper class and help the lower class.

Anarchist: We don't need rules, we can take care of each other.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you. *

Refusing to live in the real world will substantially reduce the portability of your code. *

Religious roulette: stand around in a circle and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first. *

Restoration of dignity. Family man--Not a playboy--respects office too much--but fun–Richard Nixon on himself

Rex Reed is either at your feet or at your throat--Ava Gardner

Richard Burton's father was a carpenter: With one screw he made biggest shithouse in Wales--Diana Dors

Richard Sennett's new book makes it clear that he sees ability as some sort of unfair advantage the State should undo.

The Right's view of government and the Left's view of big business are both correct--Robert Anton Wilson

Ringo Starr: What did you do with the money your parents gave you for music lessons?--John Melendez

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom--William Blake

Rod McKuen's poetry is not even trash--Karl Shapiro

Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair; he's just prematurely orange--Gerald Ford's gag writer

Russia got rid of the Communists; we can get rid of the Republicans--Rudy Rucker

S&M: Letting someone hurt you who you know would never hurt you--Madonna

Sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice--Richard Bach

Sam the Guru was a black man, so his people up the line were slaves, and before that, kings--Robert Silverberg

Same-sex porn is good training in clear writing because the pronouns don't help tell who's doing what to whom.

Sartre is the Hopalong Cassidy of France, a commercial product--Dawn Powell

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million--Mark Twain

A scholar's ink lasts longer than a martyr's blood--Irish proverb

Sci-fi can be succinctly defined as speculation, whether based on established scientific facts or on logical pseudo-facts consistent with the framework of the fiction in question, involving smelly green pimply aliens furiously raping or eating, or both, beautiful naked bare-breasted chicks, covering them in slime, red, oozing, living slime, dribbling from every horrific orifice, squeezing out between bulbous pulpy lips onto the sensuous velvety skin of the writhing sweating slave-girls, their bodies cut and bruised by knotted whips brandished by giant blond vast-biceped androids called Simon, and written in the Gothic mode--Leroy Kettle

Science fiction is straight-faced bullshit (which is a fancy term for cognitive estrangement).

Science fiction is the blood that flows at the cutting edge of science--Ken MacLeod

A science is said to be useful if its development tends to accentuate the existing inequalities in the distribution of wealth, or more directly promotes the destruction of human life--G.H. Hardy

Scientific correctness in sf is like good manners and correct English: You shouldn't break the rules unintentionally.

Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: "I FUCKED your mother!!!" Neatly printed in small calm blue letters below: "Go home, dad, you're drunk." *

Screw the war and racism; the issue is now prison reform--Abbie Hoffman, on his way to prison

Seagull management: The boss flies in, squawks, shits all over everybody, and flies away *

"Searchin'" was the first of many songs to blur the distinction between romantic pursuit and stalking.

The secret of managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five who are undecided--Casey Stengel

The secret of the atom bomb will always be in the wrong hands--Isaac Bonewits

The security around the president is to make sure the man who shoots him gets caught--Norman Mailer

Self-criticism is not a virtue, only a procedure--Kingsley Amis

The sermon was like a donkey's penis, long but vigorous--Rev. Sydney Smith

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, if you get between the right man and woman. *

Shallow Gene Pool should be a diagnosis. *

Shari Lewis was so nice I didn't hate her for being vivacious.

She could commit adultery at one end, and weep for her sins at the other, and enjoy both at once--Joyce Cary

She gardened with all the fury of the chase--Evelyn Waugh

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon--Groucho Marx

She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft: Country song

She is the kind of warm, caring human being who talks loudly and clearly to people in wheelchairs.

She is the sort of woman who lives for others; you can tell the others by their haunted expression--C.S. Lewis

Shouldn't critics be as disreputable as artists?--Sheryl Smith

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you--Carl Jung

shrank him down to six inches and used him in ways that are not suitable to describe here

The Singularity is this enormous turd that Vernor Vinge crapped into the punchbowl of sf writing, and now nobody wanting to take a drink can ignore it--Charles Stross

Sitting in a sewer and adding to it--Carlyle on Swinburne

Six churches claimed to have the essential relic of Jesus' circumcision--Joseph McCabe

Smart people believing in authoritarian religions are like dolphins caught in a tuna net.

Smash head against keyboard to continue *

Social ineptitude is not a sign of superior intellect (or its absence).

Social Security is the Third Rail of American politics: Touch it and you die. *

A sociologist is someone who needs a $20,000 research grant to find a whorehouse--James Farrell

The sole purpose of human life is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being--Carl Jung

Some cats barf as a way of passing time--James Nicoll

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go--Oscar Wilde

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers--T.S. Eliot

Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography and Bodily Waste Yet Again--Onion

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses--Elizabeth Taylor

Some people have children in order to buy toys; I feel it's cheaper and more dignified to cut out the middleman and buy toys for myself. *

Some people's unwillingness to think for themselves represents accurate self-evaluation.

Somehow, everything had been dramatically changed by the mysterious cripple in the White House, who fascinated everyone as he spun his webs all round an entire world that was now rapidly converging upon the city in an effort to get his spidery eminence's attention so that, yet again, the maps of old Europe--and who knew what else of the world?--might be redrawn--Gore Vidal

Someone ought to kick Jerry Falwell in the ass--Barry Goldwater

Something completely original would not be understood.

Sometimes I have enough trouble impersonating myself--Tallulah Bankhead

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money--Ed Bluestone

A specter is haunting Wall Street; it is the specter of honest accounting.

Speed will turn you into your parents--Frank Zappa

A standing army is like a standing member: an excellent source of domestic tranquility, but a dangerous temptation to foreign adventure--Elbridge Gerry

Star Trek fandom is like a gourmet club devoted to Big Macs--Marty Cantor

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with--W.C. Fields

State troopers love driving Fury IIs. State Troopers will go on driving Fury IIs until some company puts out a car called Kill. Then state troopers will drive Kills. State troopers get their self-image from Marvel Comics--Donald E. Westlake

Statistically speaking, we are the people most likely to harm our children. No wonder we're scared--Jon Carroll

Sterne was swift, and Swift was stern--James Joyce

The strangest thing about negative emotions is that people actually worship them--P.D. Ouspensky

The streets are safe in Philadelphia; it's only the people who make them unsafe--Mayor Frank Rizzo

Structures are the weapons of the mathematician--Nicholas Bourbaki

Stupidity using ignorance to shield intolerance--P.J. O'Rourke on the Meese Commission porn report

Suburban life: birth, commutation, and death--William Gaddis

Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake *

The sun never sets on the British Empire because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. *

Sushi looks almost good enough to eat.

Synergy is the idea that in business 2 + 2 = 5. Horseshit. 2 + 2 = 3, and you know it–Robert Townsend

SysAdmins can't be sued for malpractice, but surgeons don't have to deal with patients who install new versions of their own innards. *

Tackling is football. Running is track--Emlen Tunnell

Take care of your body, and you can use it over and over again--Alex Hawkins

Tall women confuse us: We are programmed to dominate females and submit to tall people.

Teachers trying to get school kids to write clearly, and journalists with their weird rules of writing, have filled a lot of heads with the notion that the only good sentence is a short sentence. This is true for convicted criminals--Ursula K. Le Guin

Technocracy's dominance is firmly based on a general conviction that political activism isn't likely to get you any thing worth having--Bruce Sterling

Telemarketer Won't Take 'Fuck Off and Die' for an Answer--Onion

Television changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object--Laurence Peter

Television is called a medium because anything well done is rare--Fred Allen

Television is like heroin: If you're not addicted to it, it makes you puke.

The telltale interest in science fiction, which is usually a reliable sign of imaginative bankruptcy--John Wain on C.S. Lewis

The Temple Board of Directors wishes the rabbi a speedy recovery by a vote of 7–4. *

A textbook is a device to keep the student from learning too much--Hugh Kenner

Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans--Australian reaction to Clinton's impeachment

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will cherish it always. *

That dog is a father. That dog is yours. Therefore, that dog is your father--Socrates

That is as well said as if I had said it myself--Jonathan Swift

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust--Gustave Flaubert

That's just me not writing as well as you do. Pity you weren't here when the paper was blank--Terry Pratchett, to a critic

That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten--Buffy

That's what's wrong with this country: We've forgotten how to puke--Redd Foxx

Theatre is life. Cinema is art. Television is furniture. *

Then, as it must in every company, there came the time for the man with the money to fire the man with the idea--Henry Morgan

There are about a dozen things I'm not afraid of, and public speaking is one of them.

There are more old drunkards than old physicians--Rabelais

There are three types of people: those who can count, and those who can't. *

There are those who think that prescribing medication for mental illness is cheating--Bernard Peek

There are two rules for success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. *

There but for the grace of God goes God--Winston Churchill, on a political rival

There is a secret society of seven men that controls the finances of the world. This is known to everyone, but the details are not known. There are those who believe it would be better if one of the seven were a financier--R.A. Lafferty

There is a Statute of Limitations on mystical visions, as on romantic love--Joyce Carol Oates

There is always the danger of demanding from poetry the wrong kind of coherence--Hugh Kenner

There is moral progress: The anti-semitism Eliot and Lovecraft saw as social climbing is now associated with trailer trash.

There is nothing more vengeful than a horny celibate--Baba Ram Dass

There is one universal sex law: Sex shall not be unregulated--Robert Anton Wilson

There is solemn satisfaction in doing the best you can for eight billion people. Perhaps their lives have no cosmic significance, but they have feelings. They can hurt--Robert A. Heinlein, Double Star

There may be some things better than sex, and there may be some things worse, but there is nothing exactly like it--W.C. Fields

There might be some things we could consider doing that fall somewhere between Dominating The World and Sucking The Third World's Cock--Michael Weholt

There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism. *

There's a seeker born every minute--Firesign Theater

There's one in every crowd. For crying out loud, why was it always turning out to be me?--Billy Joe Shaver

They can't stop us: we're on a mission from God!--The Blues Brothers

They drive so crazy in Chicago that anything moving slower than 65 mph is considered a house. *

They say, Rudy, you wear a dress. You'll leave our town a mess. Let it be so, I only know, Rudy, it's you.

They say drugs is now an epidemic. That means, white people are doing it--Richard Pryor

They say that God is everywhere, yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse--Emily Dickinson

They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids--Tito Fuentes

They tried to get me; I got them first--Suicide note of Vachel Lindsay

They were soon joined by Donald, Herbert's singularly well-favoured sheepdog, and many were the giggles and barks that came from the shrubbery--Edward Gorey

Things are more like they are now than they ever were--Dwight D. Eisenhower

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?--Bill Maher

Think of baby shower as something Charles Fort would write about.

Think of hummingbirds as the flying penises of flowers. *

Thinking About Crime was conceived by me as an effort to deter rehabilitation and rehabilitate deterrence--James Q. Wilson

This detective couldn't detect cow flop in a barnyard--Mark Harris

This is a costume. I'm a homicidal maniac; they look just like everyone else. *

This is my curse: Pompous, I pray that you believe the things you say, and that you live them, day by day--J.V. Cunningham

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown with great force--Dorothy Parker

This muck pulsates; it is multidirectional and has a mayor--Donald Barthelme

This paper gives wrong solutions to trivial problems. The basic error, however, is not new. *

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it. *

Thomas E. Dewey struts sitting down. *

Those judged schizophrenic often fear being understood more than being misunderstood--R.D. Laing

Those who believe communication is impossible should at least have the decency to shut up about it.

Those who engage in the business known as gambling are despised by those who engage in the gambling known as business--Ambrose Bierce

Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham; obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am. *

A thousand thousand slimy things lived on, and so did I--The Ancient Mariner

The three unstealable secrets of good sex are: like yourself, like the other person(s), like what you're doing.

Time and tide wait for no man, as we say in the sewer--Ed Norton

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug--John Lithgow

To a rational view, any increase in the voluntariness of our behavior is an advance--Brigid Brophy

To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public--Theodore Roosevelt

To be a Yankee fan in literary circles is to endanger your life--John Cheever

To explain responsibility to advertising men is like trying to convince an eight-year-old that sexual intercourse is more fun than a chocolate ice cream cone--Howard Luck Gossage

To gain social respectability, one first must be socially respectable--Allen Ginsberg

To give an accurate and exhaustive account of that period would require a far less brilliant pen than mine--Max Beerbohm

To relinquish materiality: Such is the driving force of translation--Jacques Derrida

To touch the overhead cables means instant death. Violators will be prosecuted--Alleged Italian sign

Tom Carvel's Law: The company president is by definition articulate enough to do the commercials.

Tom Robbins writes like Dolly Parton dresses. *

Too bad the people who know how to run things are busy driving cabs and cutting hair--George Burns

Too many kids are taught that sex is dirty, degrading and bestial, and you should only do it with the person you marry--Rob Hansen

The trouble is, most drink only at Christmas and weddings, and this drags the national average down--Philip Larkin

Truman Capote looked like something Nixon had vomited.

Trust the children, as they said in Salem.

The U.S. is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. *

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's the exact opposite. *

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. *

The Universe is made of stories, not of atoms--Muriel Rukeyser

An unnatural act is one that cannot be performed--Alfred Kinsey

unusually incurious, abnormally unintelligent, amazingly inarticulate, fantastically uncultured, extraordinarily uneducated, and apparently quite proud of all these things–Christopher Hitchens on Dubya

Using your turn signals is not "giving information to the enemy."--Nancy Lebovitz

Utterly crushing the enemy has always been the method to end war. For six thousand years it has been ending war--Rose Wilder Lane

Vanessa Williams Tarnishes Miss America Crown with Sexist Objectification--Onion

"Variant" is a term the newer dictionaries use for "wrong."

Vegetables are what food eats. *

Verbing nouns weirds language--Calvin, to Hobbes.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothing. *

Vince Lombardi was the sort of person Mussolini dreamed of being.

the virtual Library of Babel that we are all building on the Internet

Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, lbh'er va ivbyngvba bs gur Qvtvgny Zvyyraavhz Pbclevtug Npg--Avram Grumer

Waco: a heavily armed authoritarian cult against a heavily armed authoritarian cult

Wagner's music is better than it sounds--Mark Twain

Walter Matthau looks like a half-melted rubber bulldog--John Simon

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography--Ambrose Bierce

WARNING! Letters on these blocks may be used to construct words, phrases, and sentences that may be deemed offensive. *

WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. *

We are all coauthors of our lives.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. *

We are a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced--Frank Zappa

We are between the wild thoat of certainty and the mad zitidar of fact -- we can escape neither--Edgar Rice Burroughs

We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you. *

We divorced over religious differences: I was a Southern Baptist. He was Satan--Brett Butler

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company--Lily Tomlin

We got the DNA test back: You are not our dog. *

We had guys who couldn't play dead playing quarterback--Buddy Ryan

We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty--Benito Mussolini

We have dreamed the world. We have dreamed it resistant, mysterious, visible, ubiquitous in space and firm in time; but we have allowed into its architecture tenuous and eternal interstices of unreason to let us understand that it is false–Jorge Luis Borges

We honor ambition, we reward greed, we celebrate materialism, we worship acquisitiveness, we commercialize art, we cherish success and then we bark at the young about the gentle arts of the spirit. The kids know that if we really valued learning, we would pay our teachers what we pay our lawyers and stockbrokers. If we valued art, we would not measure it by its capacity to produce profits. If we regarded literature as important, we would remove it from the celebrity sweepstakes and spend a little money on our libraries--Russell Baker

We live in our fantasies and endure our realities--Robert Anton Wilson

We need a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called "brightness," but it doesn't work--Gallegher

We never fully know what we are talking about--Karl Popper

We place no reliance on Virgin or pigeon: Our method is science. Our aim is religion--Aleister Crowley

We pride ourselves on being a largely literate First World country, while at the same time we rush to build a visually powerful environment in which reading is not required--Washington Post

We want better reasons for having children than not knowing how to prevent them--Dora Russell

We'll rehabilitate the living shit out of him.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except learning how to grow in rows. *

Wf yww cwn rwwd thws, yww wrw prwbwblw Wwlsh. *

What do you call it when a Catholic priest has sex with an adult woman? Progress.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? *

What do you look like when you aren't visualizing anything? *

What happens as you get older is that the stakes get raised--Ken Kalfus

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. *

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death--Dave Barry

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself--Abraham Lincoln

What people really need is a good listening to. *

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?--Calvin, to Hobbes

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him--Thomas Szasz

When a pickpocket sees a holy man, all he sees is pockets--Hari Dass Baba

When a poor man asks you for aid, do not use his faults as an excuse for not helping him. For then God will look for your offenses, and he is sure to find many of them. Keep in mind that a poor man's transgressions have been atoned for by his poverty while yours still remain with you–Rabbi Schmelke

When Bob Dole smiles, he looks as if he's just evicted a widow--Mike Royko

When everyone routinely uses profanity, it will lose its emphatic value, and then how will we express ourselves strongly? Will we be forced to rely on carefully worded arguments filled with unassailable reasoning?--Rebecca Blood

When Protestantism goes bad, it grows a really *diverse* range of mold, from little white spots all the way to huge damp spirulating stuff that's bright orange and might be moving--Graydon Saunders

When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will shoot their kids accidentally. *

When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones--Peter De Vries

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be a baseball player, then a congressman. Now I am grateful to the merciful fate that kept me from being Jim Bunning.

When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately I was able to track them down--Emo Phillips

When it strikes you that the point someone is making is utterly bizarre, do you ever go back and reread what they said to see whether you got it right? If not, you should try it. Otherwise you end up living in an excessively colorful universe--Teresa Nielsen Hayden

When life hands you a lemon, cut it into neat little wedges and squirt them in your enemies' eyes. *

When putting cheese in the mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. *

When Robert Heinlein invented the term grok to mean simultaneously know, eat, embrace, make love to and incorporate, he was invoking the secret logic of all writing, and the reason it is so comforting to write--Donna Minkowitz

When they circumcised him, they threw away the wrong bit--David Lloyd George

When you fool a fool, you strike a blow for intelligence--Casanova

When you starve a tiger, the tiger starves last. *

Where there's smoke, there's fire, or a big pile of manure. *

Whereof one cannot speak, shut the fuck up--Andrew (Dice) Wittgenstein

Who called the piccolo player a son of a bitch? Who called that son of a bitch a piccolo player? *

The whole point of society is to be less unforgiving than nature.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first allow to write what they really want to.

Whom the mad would destroy, they first make gods--Bernard Levin on Mao

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker? *

Windows [n.]: A thirty-two-bit extension and GUI shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor and by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition. *

A wise man once told me that if bullshit could talk it would quote Nietzsche--Matthew Yglesias

With friends like these, who needs hallucinations? *

With the continuing growth of knowledge, each of us keeps getting more relatively ignorant. *

Within the frame of Western civilization, primitivism is a sort of autoimmune response against that civilization's own achievements--Clifford Geertz

Without gratuitous sex, we would be no better than animals. *

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible--Margaret Mead

Working for Warner Bros. is like fucking a porcupine: It's a thousand pricks against one--Wilson Mizner

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? Then I could conquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife. *

Writers are at their best when they're alone--John Crowley

Writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes. *

You always have to take care of wealth; knowledge takes care of you--Romana Machado

You are a sick motherfucker, he said admiringly.

You can do anything thou wilt in Aleister's restaurant. *

You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them--Cavour

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone--Al Capone

You can get rice anywhere, but there is arroz in Spanish Harlem--Len Rosenberg

You can teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is teaching it the difference between a stick and a baby. *

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners--Rita Mae Brown

You Don't Have To. Not even if it's fun.

You get justice in the next world; in this world you get the law--William Gaddis

You get truth in the next world; in this world you get science.

You invent a number that is the square root of minus one, and it miraculously gives you huge things for free of which you had no conception--Roger Penrose

You know it's going to be a bad day when the birds singing outside your window are buzzards. *

You know you're getting old when you can't fit your hearing aid over your earring--Quincy Jones

You know you've been in fandom too long when you see The Shining and find yourself evaluating the function space--George Flynn

You know you've outgrown MAD when . . . you know what #*&% stands for--National Lampoon

You may know about corpses, fella, but you got a lot to learn about women--Stupid Movie Lines

You shall see who is the stronger: a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a wild man with cocaine in his body--Sigmund Freud to his fiancée

You wouldn't believe the size of the bug I squished up in Gregor's room--very short story [from a New York Magazine competition]

Your eyes look like a road map; I don't dare smell your breath, better close your eyes before you bleed to death--Wynonie Harris

Your proctologist called: They found your head. *

You're paying way too much for entropy. I know where you can get much cheaper entropy.