Look around you. Nothing works. Government is a mess; private enterprise is no better; everything takes longer and costs more; and even our bodies are prey to new and scarier diseases. Some of us have tried to deal with this by worshipping Discordia, Goddess of Disorder and Confusion, but no sooner do we think we can depend upon Chaos than order breaks out.
In times like these, we need a new God, one who is used to a world in which nothing works. Such a God is
WILE E. COYOTE
A Native American trickster figure brought up to date by XX-century techniques, Wile E. is used to dealing with disorder. Wile E. represents the spirit of invention, ever creating new strategies to face a world that frustrates all of our old plans. He is the true neophile, one who, as St. Hagbard says, invents and tries a dozen new solutions in the time it takes a neophobe to chicken out of one.
It might appear that Wile E. is a failure, since in the movies none of his schemes ever work. But he keeps trying. Like Icarus, he falls from the sky when his inventions fail, but in true dying-god fashion, He always rises again.
(It has also been alleged that we are being denied the true conclusion of Wile E.'s quest, which is told in the long-suppressed final episode, "Beep-Beep Yurass.").
Besides, the whole thing is an allegory. ACME, for instance, with its instruments of killing and predation that never work properly, is an obvious symbol for Defense Contractors. Further explanations will be provided to those sending in enough money.
This religion has been created by a Discordian Pope (Guilty I), and is thus a Genuine Discordian Heresy. Violators will be excommunicated, but we are also willing to extend amnesty to innocent dupes who have served the cause of Evil, such as Bo Diddley and Jr. Walker with their "Road Runner" songs, and worldcon committees calling themselves ACME.
For further information, contact
The Church of the SuperGenius
c/o Arthur D. Hlavaty
We hereby deny that the name of our church is an attack on any other church. If we referred to the other church as "the Church of the SubHuman," or the "Scarlet Whore of Mad Dog, Texas," that would be an attack on the other church. Or if we pointed out that their alleged Messiah was actually named Norman Appleton and wrote his gospel while doing time for felony child abuse (his sordid story is revealed in National Lampoon), that would be an attack on the other church. But we're nice people, and we don't do things like that.
In fact, the Church of the SuperGenius is always willing to share our space with other groups and other gods of sympathetic approach. One group we like is the Church of St. Onan, and we are pleased to present a guest sermon by Rev. Normal Bates, the spiritual Master.
Thank you. We of the Church of St. Onan are Christian Discordians, which means that we agree with the Republicans that God the Father (Jehovah) is a White Male Authority Figure. Unlike them, however, we're on the other side. We read the Bible as a history of the Authority's efforts to suppress humanity and of the brave souls (Sinners) who rebelled.
The First Sin the Other Side reports is the sin of Adam and Eve, thinking for oneself. They decided for themselves what was Good and what was Evil, instead of taking the Authority's word for things. They got their asses kicked out of the Garden for that. This is described in Harlan Ellison's story "Deathbird."
The Second Sin was the Sin of Babel, where people worked together to challenge the Authority, and the Authority punished them by confusing their language. It is believed that the Authority rewarded those who spoke in acceptably incomprehensible fashion with high positions in government and Academe. This is described in Thomas S. Szasz's The Second Sin.
Our church is particularly interested in the Third Sin: the Sin of Onan. Onan was essentially the victim of a sort of attempted rape; that is, he was ordered by the Authority to impregnate his sister-in-law, whether he wanted to or not. Onan refused and was struck dead. There are those in our Church who believe that Onan's sin was specifically self-pleasuring (I'd hate to tell you what they do instead of crossing themselves), but we feel that any alternative to reproductive sex is acceptable. Roman Catholics believe that any sexual pleasure should be open to the possibility of creating Life. We believe that if you engage in any kind that isn't, you can be one of us.
We are looking for allies. We were glad to learn that there was a religious leader named Oral Roberts and most disappointed to hear that his name didn't mean what we thought, but just that he can't read and write.
We would also like to make a suggestion to the followers of the Authority, not that they'd listen to us: Perhaps you should follow the example of the White Male Authority Figures at Intel and do a recall. Your Ten Commandments system (Pentateuch chip?) is malfunctioning. Specifically, the "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" unit is generating nonsense about things like homosexuality and masturbation, instead of performing its proper function of encouraging people to honor their commitments to those they love. This should be looked at.
Science doesn't know whether the world was created. It certainly doesn't say yes, and it doesn't say no unless one believes that Ockham's razor is a Law of How Things Are, rather than a good way of designing theories.
That's not good enough for some of our domestic ayatollahs, who are promoting the doctrine of intelligent design, a way of dressing creationism in a lab coat and giving it shocks until it stops saying, "God." Some, offended by that simultaneous mockery of science and religion, have parodied it with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who not only created everything but also reaches into the world with His Noodley Appendage to make experiments come out the way He wants them to.
I like that, but my church, the Church of the SuperGenius, believes that Coyote created the material world in a particularly tricksterish moment. So I had a supplementary revelation. Actually, Coyote blamed the world on the Flying Spaghetti Monster on the grounds that it was made in the FSM's tangled image.
So it is now the official policy of the Church of the SuperGenius that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world.